December 23rd, 1998
This week I wanna talk about comfort. Everyone has comfort issues: personal space, a warm blanky, reading a good book with someone that you love at the computer (just three feet away) and you're completely content just to be there at that moment with them in your presence. People are sometimes not comfortable with other peoples' behaviour, and usually tell that person so taht they can change it. People are often not comfortable with their lives so they change that too.
Comfort is a relative term and a relative experience. Sometimes that's a literal statement; some people not being comfortable around their relatives. Others being more comfortable when they are around their relatives. Some people are more comfortable around people that treat them nicely. Others feel suspicious around people that treat them nicely. I think that everyone is at least a little uncomfortable around people that treat them too nicely. But it's all up to the individual to decide what they are comfortable around and what to do about it when they are uncomfortable.
Which brings up an important question. What do you do when you are in an uncomfortable situation? Some people bolt. They leave the situation and never look back. Others try to fix it, talking to whom ever is involoved and discussing ways to releive the problem, many times coming to a reasonable and comfortable resolution. Others (saps) stick through it, hoping that the problem will fix itself and just go away; never to bother them again. These are usually the people that I study in my psych classes dealing with personality disorders. The people that end up in the ER repeatedly for broken bones or psych evaluation. The ones that say "Well someday he'll come around, stop drinking so much and he won't hit me anymore." I regret having used the word "saps" but the problem is that they aren't facing reality.
Now I'll freely admit to being a sap on occassion. I have, in the past, let things bother me until I couldn't take it anymore. Then I usually would do something stupid and look like an asshole...which would be the accurate term for my behaviour at those times. But I've decided noone of that anymore. From now on it's "When I'm not comfortable I tell people. Directly, fairly (if it's the first time I've had to raise my discomfort), and assertively. Okay so I will always try to be fair but it will require me to be fair to myself as well as being fair to those others involved. Say a friend has been making jabs at me and I don't like it, cause it's demeaning and insulting. Well that's when I ask my friend if they will steo aside with me and ask them to stop, informing them that they are hurting my feelings and how they are hurting my feelings.
Earlier on in life I would never have done this. Just returned the favour with a spiteful comment that cut them to the bone, leaving them more hurt than I. This was an attempt to protect my feelings without telling others that I was vulnerable. Thus leaving myself free from any known threat...or at least people couldn't know that they could hurt me. Keeping me considered whitty and indistructable. Well as time has gone by ("you must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss, a sigh is still a sigh... sorry song slipped in there..) I have learned that not only am I not indistructable but that I need not appear so either. I have recently become more outwardly vulnerable...to a degree [I'm still working on it].. and I'm going to become for forthcoming and assertive with my discomforts no matter what I do.
Now that applies mainly to friends, family, and other loved ones. Acquaintances may still get the odd scathing comment, seeing as someone that you hardly know shouldn't have the audacity to verbally attack you without even knowing you...they probably could use some humbling. But friends, family, and especially boyfriends, or girls friends for you ladies out there, deserve and I think want to know that you are hurt by certain actions and would appreciate the opportunity to stop doing whatever it is that makes you uncomfortable. Thus you are doing you both a favour by letting them know. Your relationship would probably benifit from the discussion. Maybe there's something that you are doing that they are uncomfortable with, and you can work out your differences.
Now if you do open yourself up to someone and they either say they'lll work on it and don't or just don't care to begin with than hey they aren't worth being in your life in the first place. So lose them, take that old pair of association scissors and snip them out of your life for good. Sometimes the best thing that you can do for that alcoholic-abusive-unfaithful boyfriend of your's whom you "love so much" is to let them go to let them know that you love them enough not to see them making a disaster out of their lives and your's. Not to say taht they won't ever change after that. Heck if they consider you important in their lives they will change. And they'll stay changed. But if you aren't important to yourself hey stay with them. Let them ruin your life while their doing in their own. What does it matter. I'll tell you something though. It matters to your other friends and your family and to him or her in the end.
And I'll bet it does to you. You're just afraid of losing your security. Be it emotional or financial, physical or spiritual. But you know what, let go of your fear for a little while. You'll be okay as long as you look after yourself, cause you'll look after so many others while you're doing it. Not that that is easy. You'll need to be strong and you'll need to ask some people for help. Even if it's just for a hug once in a while from your mom. But you'll feel so much better after you've done it. And you'll be on the way to a healthier and more productive and rewarding life. One where you can [pardon the cliche] be all that you can be. You don't necessarily have to join the army to do it, but heck you'd get a very nice workout in basic training.
All kidding aside. Look after yourself and love yourself and you will be able to do the same for others once you do. You'll be a better person for it and all you've have done is kept yourself safe and sane.
Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Oh, and remember if you drink don't drive, a cab is well worth your life and the lives of those around you. And if you play, play safe, a condom is well worth the price of your life and the lives of those around you.
To anyone whose religious beliefs are different from my left wing Christian beliefs or are non-religious: Enjoy the break and the holliday of your choosing. It is a valid and wonderful choice whatever you're doing this season, as long as you are safe and happy and you aren't hurting anyone...including yourself.
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